Remain Open to Whatever Processes You 🌺🌸

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Today, like almost every single day that I open my eyes I was going to add another positive, motivational and inspirational quote in this space. But as I get further and deeper into this healing cycle, I feel the need to become transparent on what brought me here. Today and for the next 2 months, I’m going to be sharing the parts of my journey and a piece of my soul that only those who were there to witness it know about.

7 years ago today, this was my status update and my life. I was in the hospital undergoing a lung biopsy after falling ill and being diagnosed in September of 2011 with a very rare form of pneumonia called, Bronchial Obliterans Organizing Pneumonia or (BOOP). Bronchiolitis Obliterans with Organizing Pneumonia (BOOP) Bronchiolitis obliterans with organizing pneumonia (BOOP), also called Cryptogenic Organizing Pneumonia (COP), is a rare lung condition affecting the small airways (bronchioles), alveoli (tiny air sacs) and the walls of small bronchi.

When I checked into the hospital for surgery, my lung function was at 37% while my oldest daughter #Brittani was simultaneously in the final stages of her battle with terminal cancer.

As her sole caregiver all I knew is I had to surrender to having this surgery so I could rush back home and take care of her. I had NO plans on not making it out of surgery or suffering from any complications, however that was not the journey that was planned for me.

A couple of days after surgery while in ICU recovering, I began suffering from Tacychardia. Tachycardia, also called tachyarrhythmia, is a heart rate that exceeds the normal resting rate. In general, a resting heart rate over 100 beats per minute is accepted as tachycardia in adults. My resting heart rate shot up to 181 bpm all of a sudden with no warning. Suddenly the nursing staff and doctors rushed into my room in a panic. Next thing I knew I was being made to lay down flat while they began to shock my heart back to normal sinus rhythm. The first attempt didn’t work, so they began the process all over again. As this is happening, I can feel myself falling backwards in my mind like I was fading and I thought I was dying. I don’t ever recall another time in my life when I felt so afraid, alone and desperate.

The thoughts that immediately rushed through my mind were who would care for my daughter if I didn’t make it but most importantly what dying now would do to not only her but to all of my kids #Briana #BrianII#Taianna. So as I’m slowly fading, all I could think to do was to start praying. My prayers were DESPERATE at this point as I laid there with tears flowing freely from my eyes. With everything within me, I prayed and pleaded with God, “I need you to save me! Please help me Lord!! PLEASE!!! I need you God!!!”

After several attempts, the medical staff finally got my heart back to normal sinus rhythm and I recovered. I was able to make it back home to care for my girl within a few days after this episode but I was warned by the Cardiologist that if I didn’t undergo heart surgery asap, I wouldn’t have much time to live. My thoughts at this turn are, I don’t have time for this. My girl is sick and I have to be there for her because I promised I’d travel to the ends of the world with and for her and I planned on fulfilling that promise to her by ANY MEANS NECESSARY! But my steps were ordered differently than what I desired them to be. I was being processed and because I hadn’t surrendered to it before, I had no choice but to surrender to it now. This is where my faith began to activate. I had to surrender to this time in my life and open myself up to others for help. This was intentional because God had already gone before me and paved the way.

As I was in the hospital, my daughter was in a hospice center just a few blocks down and she was suffering because death was happening all around her. #Brittani was always the one who kept us encouraged, inspired, motivated etc… but this environment spooked her and it broke my heart to hear the fear in her voice for the first time ever since she was diagnosed with cancer. She’d call me daily and ask if I’m doing better and when I was going to be released. My baby girl was scared for me and for herself. The 7 days she spent in that hospice facility changed her and that is when she began to deteriorate quickly.

My intentions here are to set the stage and paint the picture of how my life looked just 7 years ago. I can’t ever say that I know what God has planned or even why He allows some things to be as they are, but what I do know is that I trust Him with everything that is within me. Life is not an easy journey by ANY means, but when it comes down to it, I always ask myself —do you trust your fears or do you truly trust God? This is faith in action! 🦋🌺🌸

To be continued:
#journeythroughgrief #griefrecovery #transparentTestimony#angelmomma #pioneerwoman

Trust the journey. Everything is as it should be. #GOT #GiftOfTime#GOTFoundationInc

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